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Drowned Brain

Published February 23, 2018 by Incidental Scribe

Day 2 and 3 of focusing on my language use was derailed by bad decisions. I don’t want you to think I purposely chose to be negative or that I just decided to say to heck with being positive. No, day 2 saw the insertion of a substance that always ruins my conversational efforts. This substance will be the main focus of this article. Yes I’m talking about my old friend and enemy, alcohol.

Day 2 of trying to rewire my brain with positive speech patterns started off well. I was focused and feeling powerful. Wednesdays I host karaoke at my local bar and I felt great. Music is my passion in life and I love sharing it with others. I feel song choices can tell you a lot about people and what they are feeling. It’s expressive, fun and as I said had me in a great mood. Enter my first error in the form of my best friend.

Don’t get me wrong I love (for the purpose of this blog we’ll call her Lola) to death, yet as my best friend I have a hard time sticking to my boundaries with her. If I’ve done something close to reckless Lola has been involved. So of “all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into mine.” Granted I had dropped off my fiance to hang out with her earlier, therefore it should not have been a surprise to see her. Yet when she suggested drinking after karaoke I should’ve said no.

Alcohol and I have a love-hate relationship and I know that once I start drinking with friends I have a hard time saying no and stopping when I should. Lola knows this too, but feels the shenanigans we get into is worth the risk of dealing with me. So the second mistake I made was saying, “yes drinking sounds like an awesome idea.”

So the booze was flowing, we were all joking around and then I felt like it was time to unload all my daily resentments by jokingly stating them. Rotten choice number three. Now to be fair I don’t remember this, Lola and the fiance filled me in the next day. The things I said were mean, negative and not funny at all. I have no filter when drinking and I honestly feel awful that I am a negative-Nelly. Is this really the type of person that I am deep down?

I know that I am not, so I have made my apologies to those involved and we are all moving on. I promised to myself that I would discuss some of the things I said with a clear sober mind as they need to be discussed, but not spit out in a drunken haze where there is no thought placed in the conversation. I feel like this was an important lesson in trying to improve my positivity. I accepted responsibility for my actions and I acknowledged changes need to be made. Both are huge steps on this journey.

Day 3 I will admit I felt like I had a hangover sent from the depths of Hell. Trying not to complain went out the window. I was exhausted, sore and cranky. I was not being positive. Yet, by the time I was supposed to DJ rolled around I had pulled myself out of the funk. I was not going to let two days be completely ruined by my choices.

We all have the power to choose and accept responsibility for those choices. The consequences are our own and this is what the last two days have taught me. Today is just getting to a start for this night owl, but I already feel I’ll be able to use the last few days as learning tools. Now that my brain is no longer drowning in spirits, I think I will improve my chances in succeeding in rewiring my brain.

~ The Incidental Scribe

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The Journey to Rewire my Brain

Published February 21, 2018 by Incidental Scribe

I have to admit I’ve been feeling down lately. I’ve been cyncial, jaded and just an all around negative nelly. This is not who I normally am, so I decided it was time to take a step back and figure out why I was in such a state.

The first thing I wanted to focus on was my language. The way we speak and the things we say actually effects our brains. Just like the words we hear can change the way we think. I needed to start rewiring my brain and the only way to do it was to start at the basics.

I wanted to capture my progress as I feel I may have to look back on these methods many times. It is easy with so many thoughts being thrown at us via social media to have our brains go out of alignment. I want a reminder to myself that I can get back to a happier more positive me. So today was day one of this journey and I have all ready discovered so much.

First and foremost I noticed I swear a lot. Now I’m all for using explitives when needed, but I don’t know when I started using them as every day sentence fillers. I feel the negativity of swear words taints my sentences and may put others on edge. To start the rewiring process if I swore I tried to find a word to replace it. If there wasn’t one then I noted to myself that the curse word was not needed. This also became a linguist exercise as I tried to find more words in my vocabulary to fill the spaces swearing had created. Swearing wasn’t the only culprit I found today.

The second negative language faux pas I discovered was using insults in a joking manner. Calling people names has become acceptable as a means of joking with friends, yet it seems to me we are still being hurtful. Calling my fiance an idiot because he said something I don’t agree with is not funny. It’s not endearing at all. This is another form of communication we’ve become brain washed into accepting. All my friends and the characters on TV talk to each other this way, why shouldn’t I? The reason is it all comes down to respect. If you truly care about someone and respect them you shouldn’t call them names period. When I felt like calling them a name I paused, thought is it necessary and tried to find a sentence to communicate what I was feeling when I wanted to “jokingly” insult them.

Lastly for today another huge effect on my thought process is complaining. Sometimes I see or hear people complaining and then I will start complaining to feel like I’m part of the group. When really I should be turning my frustrations into appreciative thoughts. For example the weather was pretty horrible today. So yes I acknowledged that I was frustrated having to walk in it to work. I can’t change the weather so complaining about it will do me no good. Instead I thought at least it’s warm so the walk isn’t too bad. By turning the thought into an appreciative thought it made my walk so much better.

There are things I complain about that I can change and I realized that I have two options when it comes to those matters. I can either change them or live with them. Complaining about them will not make them any better. We need to just stop being negative because let’s be honest…no one wants to hear it.

These are just a few of the issues I noticed with my thought process and speech today. I’m hoping to keep working on them tomorrow and tackling new ones as they arrive. I will also keep you up to date on any new progress I see within myself. So wish me luck because the more good vibes there are out there the better this world will be.

~ The Incidental Scribe

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Pleading Heart

Published February 19, 2018 by Incidental Scribe

You can paint me in colours as you see fit

My reputation is on a stage for all to view

The damage is done so should I just quit

Or just sit back and let you all stew

I’ve never been a quitter I always thrive

But now my heart is a vast tangled mess

Is it really living if you just survive

Just because others say so should I expect less

Battling between my mind and soul

Love shouldn’t be this chaotic and scattered

There was a time when we made each other whole

Now everything we know has been shattered

Please don’t give up on me just yet dear

I will always rise from the hottest of flames

Don’t let them turn you against me in fear

In the end we will be stronger if we can’t be the same

~ The Incidental Scribe

Eternal Twilight

Published October 2, 2017 by Incidental Scribe

As the sun sets her weary head and the moon prepares his brightest smile

It is between these phases of the day that I contemplate life for awhile

My soul wants to run like a lupine to gnash its teeth and howl at the moon

To dance over streams and prowl through the forest but the sun she awakes too soon

The night calls to me like a vampire softly begging me to come and play

And why not I ask when I work all night and sleep my life away all day

My heart it yearns for adventure to escape along cool foggy streets

Or perhaps just a wild passionate thrill ride between some black silky sheets

The supernatural and dark appeal to me with their mysterious and twisted ways

As twilight comes every fiber of my being prepares for our favourite time of day.

Because I know when my feet are weary and my mind decides it’s time to roam

I can always follow the raven he knows just how to lead me home

~The Incidental Scribe

Day 3 of the 3 Day Quote Challenge.

Published June 25, 2015 by Incidental Scribe

I chose this next quote as my last one because #1 it comes from a song and #2 the message is very relevant to a lot of people from my past.

“Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes.” Taylor Swift

I’m a huge T Swift fan, I have to admit it. Her writing reaches me on a deep level. This line here she’s saying words like I’m sorry won’t undo the damage of your previous actions.  Now the rest of the song does suggest if you do things to heal the mistakes then it could be repairable.

The line just hits me. Because I am a giving person and a people pleaser with my BPD and a few people from my past used me and abused me and thought saying sorry would always get them back in my good graces to do it again.  With taking the mentalization based therapy (MBT) I have learned that I deserve better and sometimes pleasing others is only hurting myself.

So I lost four “friends” last summer who hurt me and  I told them saying sorry wouldn’t work this time. They didn’t want to change their behaviors though so I had to cut my ties.  It hurt, but I would heal faster from this big wound than the constant little ones. 

Sometimes you have to realize that bandages only cover wounds they don’t heal them. So if you have toxic people in your life stop covering up their wounds and do something to get properly healed.  You deserve better too.

~ The Incidental Scribe