Personal

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Drowned Brain

Published February 23, 2018 by Incidental Scribe

Day 2 and 3 of focusing on my language use was derailed by bad decisions. I don’t want you to think I purposely chose to be negative or that I just decided to say to heck with being positive. No, day 2 saw the insertion of a substance that always ruins my conversational efforts. This substance will be the main focus of this article. Yes I’m talking about my old friend and enemy, alcohol.

Day 2 of trying to rewire my brain with positive speech patterns started off well. I was focused and feeling powerful. Wednesdays I host karaoke at my local bar and I felt great. Music is my passion in life and I love sharing it with others. I feel song choices can tell you a lot about people and what they are feeling. It’s expressive, fun and as I said had me in a great mood. Enter my first error in the form of my best friend.

Don’t get me wrong I love (for the purpose of this blog we’ll call her Lola) to death, yet as my best friend I have a hard time sticking to my boundaries with her. If I’ve done something close to reckless Lola has been involved. So of “all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into mine.” Granted I had dropped off my fiance to hang out with her earlier, therefore it should not have been a surprise to see her. Yet when she suggested drinking after karaoke I should’ve said no.

Alcohol and I have a love-hate relationship and I know that once I start drinking with friends I have a hard time saying no and stopping when I should. Lola knows this too, but feels the shenanigans we get into is worth the risk of dealing with me. So the second mistake I made was saying, “yes drinking sounds like an awesome idea.”

So the booze was flowing, we were all joking around and then I felt like it was time to unload all my daily resentments by jokingly stating them. Rotten choice number three. Now to be fair I don’t remember this, Lola and the fiance filled me in the next day. The things I said were mean, negative and not funny at all. I have no filter when drinking and I honestly feel awful that I am a negative-Nelly. Is this really the type of person that I am deep down?

I know that I am not, so I have made my apologies to those involved and we are all moving on. I promised to myself that I would discuss some of the things I said with a clear sober mind as they need to be discussed, but not spit out in a drunken haze where there is no thought placed in the conversation. I feel like this was an important lesson in trying to improve my positivity. I accepted responsibility for my actions and I acknowledged changes need to be made. Both are huge steps on this journey.

Day 3 I will admit I felt like I had a hangover sent from the depths of Hell. Trying not to complain went out the window. I was exhausted, sore and cranky. I was not being positive. Yet, by the time I was supposed to DJ rolled around I had pulled myself out of the funk. I was not going to let two days be completely ruined by my choices.

We all have the power to choose and accept responsibility for those choices. The consequences are our own and this is what the last two days have taught me. Today is just getting to a start for this night owl, but I already feel I’ll be able to use the last few days as learning tools. Now that my brain is no longer drowning in spirits, I think I will improve my chances in succeeding in rewiring my brain.

~ The Incidental Scribe

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The Journey to Rewire my Brain

Published February 21, 2018 by Incidental Scribe

I have to admit I’ve been feeling down lately. I’ve been cyncial, jaded and just an all around negative nelly. This is not who I normally am, so I decided it was time to take a step back and figure out why I was in such a state.

The first thing I wanted to focus on was my language. The way we speak and the things we say actually effects our brains. Just like the words we hear can change the way we think. I needed to start rewiring my brain and the only way to do it was to start at the basics.

I wanted to capture my progress as I feel I may have to look back on these methods many times. It is easy with so many thoughts being thrown at us via social media to have our brains go out of alignment. I want a reminder to myself that I can get back to a happier more positive me. So today was day one of this journey and I have all ready discovered so much.

First and foremost I noticed I swear a lot. Now I’m all for using explitives when needed, but I don’t know when I started using them as every day sentence fillers. I feel the negativity of swear words taints my sentences and may put others on edge. To start the rewiring process if I swore I tried to find a word to replace it. If there wasn’t one then I noted to myself that the curse word was not needed. This also became a linguist exercise as I tried to find more words in my vocabulary to fill the spaces swearing had created. Swearing wasn’t the only culprit I found today.

The second negative language faux pas I discovered was using insults in a joking manner. Calling people names has become acceptable as a means of joking with friends, yet it seems to me we are still being hurtful. Calling my fiance an idiot because he said something I don’t agree with is not funny. It’s not endearing at all. This is another form of communication we’ve become brain washed into accepting. All my friends and the characters on TV talk to each other this way, why shouldn’t I? The reason is it all comes down to respect. If you truly care about someone and respect them you shouldn’t call them names period. When I felt like calling them a name I paused, thought is it necessary and tried to find a sentence to communicate what I was feeling when I wanted to “jokingly” insult them.

Lastly for today another huge effect on my thought process is complaining. Sometimes I see or hear people complaining and then I will start complaining to feel like I’m part of the group. When really I should be turning my frustrations into appreciative thoughts. For example the weather was pretty horrible today. So yes I acknowledged that I was frustrated having to walk in it to work. I can’t change the weather so complaining about it will do me no good. Instead I thought at least it’s warm so the walk isn’t too bad. By turning the thought into an appreciative thought it made my walk so much better.

There are things I complain about that I can change and I realized that I have two options when it comes to those matters. I can either change them or live with them. Complaining about them will not make them any better. We need to just stop being negative because let’s be honest…no one wants to hear it.

These are just a few of the issues I noticed with my thought process and speech today. I’m hoping to keep working on them tomorrow and tackling new ones as they arrive. I will also keep you up to date on any new progress I see within myself. So wish me luck because the more good vibes there are out there the better this world will be.

~ The Incidental Scribe

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Keep On Dreaming

Published August 5, 2017 by Incidental Scribe

A person very important to me recently told me that I need to change my dreams and be more realistic or make some changes in my life. At first these words made me feel like I was being told to give up on my dreams and just accept my lot in life. It took me a few days to realize this is not what they meant.

What this person was trying to get across to me is that if I want to accomplish my dreams I need to be willing to make changes in my life. I’m a huge advocate of dreaming big and going for your dreams, yet I don’t think I ever really took a good look at what I would need to do to make my dreams come true. When this person brought this to light with me at first I was taken aback. I thought ‘surely I do take actions towards my goals and dreams. I work hard and I keep my mind honed in on what I want.’ As soon as that thought crossed my mine though another followed. ‘Is working hard enough?’

The more I thought about it the more I realized that no its not. Having money from working hard will help pay the bills or give me some extra funds to go for my dreams, but money won’t solve everything. I also need to make changes in my day to day actions to start achieving my dreams. If I want to be a writter I need to take time to write more. Do I want to be a better known DJ? Well then I need to spend more time honing my musical and sound skills. Do I want to travel? If so then I need to save and take the time to plan trips. All in all changes would need to be made in my life to make my dreams come true.

So I need to start deciding which dream I want to tackle first and go for it. If I can do it so can you. Comment below dreams you want to take the time to concure and maybe together we can make our dreams a reality. Until next time readers keep on dreaming.

~ The Incidental Scribe

I Am The Lorax

Published April 15, 2017 by Incidental Scribe

I know it’s been a really long time since I’ve written again and I have tons of things I could tell you, but today’s blog is going to be a bit of a rant. I don’t normally go off on a rant, but the sight I saw today made me realize if I don’t raise my voice now, later it might be too late.

I was walking downtown today to pick up some necessities and the quickest way to get there from my apartment also happens to be the most scenic. There is a series of trails that run parallel to the railway lines that run through Brockville. I’ve always enjoyed this walk as it is wooded, shady, cool and you can usually spot a squirrel, rabbit or a raccoon if you’re lucky. The trees are filled with birds singing their songs of the day and all in all it’s a nice piece of the woods in the middle of a small town. The trail ends in a field just before one of our many Tim Hortons and just past an old rail way tunnel which over the years had been left to become run down and the old tracks flooded into a sort of reclaimed creek.

The only sketchy part of the path is an old abandoned building, the windows have long ago been smashed and boarded over, teenagers have tagged it with graffiti and the walls have started to cave in. The surrounding brush made it seem like the building was fenced off by nature, so to me it was less scary to pass it after sunset. Today when I got to this part of the trail I felt like something was horribly wrong.

It had been a long time since I had walked the trail, as it does get snowed in during the winter, but when I got to the abandoned building something seemed off. I slowed my pace trying to put my finger on it. ‘Was there a fence blocking this off before?’ I asked myself and instantly shook my head. That wasn’t it, but why did the building seem closer to the path and creepier than normal?  I shook off the ominous feeling I was getting and kept on walking. I just assumed because it had been so long since I had been on this trail that my mind was playing tricks on me.

As I reached the exit point I looked down towards the railway tunnel and spotted a short school bus parked in what I remembered was a flooded creek. ‘That bus shouldn’t be down there, why is there a school bus down there?’ My mind was racing to try to place what I was seeing into the big picture. I stopped dead in my tracks. ‘More importantly why can I see a school bus down there?!’ It was like a slow motion camera zoomed out as mind caught up to what my eyes were seeing. All the brush was gone and all the trees had been clear cut.

I was so upset I didn’t no whether to yell or cry. I marched along the new fence that had been erected,  towards a large wooden sign that I knew would tell me who had done this and why. Sure enough the sign said, “Ford Electric, Lighting The Railway Tunnel Project.”  By this time I had decided I was mad, so mad I was practically vibrating with anger. I had known the city was restoring the tunnel, they wanted to reopen it as part of Canada’s 150 celebration this summer. I am a strong supporter of restoring our heritage sites and building tourism, but I draw the line at devastating the environment for these reasons.

My favourite Dr. Seuss book is The Lorax, the story of a fictional creature who tries to warn against the dangers of clear cutting, pollution and harming the environment in general. Today I feel like The Lorax. I’m shouting at the top of my lungs hoping someone listens. I’m stamping my feet in indignation praying someone sees me and inquires why, this will give me a chance to educate them on the injustice that has been done. I’m mad and hurt that our city would make such a decision….in a world where every tree counts we are clear cutting to make things pretty.

I’m sure I will hear from my friend on city council and he will assure me the environmental impact was considered and that they will plant new trees and make it into a pretty park or something. Or that for every tree cut Ford Electric plants five new ones somewhere. These after math plans are moot. The trees and brush that have been cleared were at least 20 years old or older. New saplings won’t provide shelter to the animals and birds that called this area their home. Sure it’s only one section of the wooded trail, but it’s like the trail has a huge scar cut into its face now. We took natural beauty and destroyed it to suit our ideal image of a tourist attraction.

“I am The Lorax, I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues.” Dr. Seuss’ writing is soooo revelant today. If we don’t speak up when we see small attacks on our environment then how can we expect to defend the earth from larger pressing matters. Please feel free to comment and tell me what gets you passionate about the environment. As for this writer she is going to try and make a few council meetings and shed a few tears for the loss of some old friends…yes they may have been just trees…but those trees and I had history.
~ The Incidental Scribe

Too Short

Published February 1, 2017 by Incidental Scribe

So the last time I wrote my grandmother was in the hospital. She made it out and is home now. Alas this weekend I had to put down my dog. Lister was my 12 year old Boston Terrier fur baby, but due to health complications it was time. I’m gutted….like it feels like there is an actual whole in my soul.

It has got me thinking however, that once again a sad moment in my life has occurred and I’m finally taking time out of my busy schedule to write. With the hours I have been working, I’ve pretty much cast aside time to do my hobbies because I feel like there will be time later to work on my projects or chase down that dream. The truth hit hard today that there is no extra time.

We really only have today to make the most of our lives. To do what we love, to make mistakes, to learn and grow and make the world a better place. Each day is a gift and only you have the power to choose how you spend your time.

I will try to make space for the things I love because I don’t want to be on my death bed going well at least I worked really hard. I want to have adventures and stories to tell. I want to be able to say I lived, I helped others and I wasn’t afraid to do things my way.

Life is too short not to eat dessert and live like there is no tomorrow.
~ The Incidental Scribe

In Memory of Lister Sept 2, 2004- January 27, 2017

Hospital Visits

Published September 7, 2016 by Incidental Scribe

My grandmother is in the hospital. Now she seems to be on the mend, but it only reminds me that time is short. As she asks me the same question not even 30 minutes later, I realize that time can be disorted as memory fades.

It can be hard enjoying time with her like this. In my mind she is still the dancing partner I won awards with doing the chicken dance. She is the hard working woman who used to get up early to clean restaurants. The friend who would stay up late watching country music videos with me on sleep overs. And last, but not least the kind woman who would help out her friends and neighbours before herself.

Those are the memories I want to hold on to. I don’t want to remember her weak, in hospital bedd, losing her memory and telling me that life has lost it’s luster. I refuse to do so. If time can change her memory then it can change mine as well.

In the end it will be the good times I’ll hold on to. Even in this hospital we’ve had moments of laughter and it is those moments I see my grandmother as she was and always will be.

~The Incidental Scribe

I am still here

Published August 16, 2016 by Incidental Scribe

Through all the therapy and through all the Dr. appointments I often wondered who I would be when it was done. Would my borderline personality disorder be magically cured? Would it help my fibromyalgia from flaring up? And if it did and I was back to a healthier me, who would I become?

I certainly wouldn’t still be the same person I was. The illness had become a part of how I defined myself.They had become such a big part of my idenity tgat I couldn’t imagine who I’d be if they were gone. “You’ll be healthier, you’ll be better,” the Drs said. Yet I oftened wondered who decided I was worse the way I was. Just because I was different then societal norms didn’t mean I was worse, did it?

But I finshed the therapy program and although I’m not miraculously cured, I am better equiped to handle my emotions better. This is turn has lowered my stress which has lessened my fibro flare ups. Yet I’m still a kind hearted person who, yes is a bit sensitive, but now knows to screen the people I go out of my way for. If everyone doesn’t like me it doesn’t break me anymore. I’m still free spirited, a little wild and a compassionate human being. I just take better care of myself and I know now who I want to be. The most important thing about all of the hard work though is I am still me.