Thoughts run through my mind like a million marathon runners. Each one trying to cross the finish line that is my conscience. I jump from one to the next. Quickly brushing aside ones that I don’t want to think about and focusing on the ones that matter.
Holding on to moments; like walking home from a good friend’s at sunset. Enjoying the smell of the near by lavender trees, in awe of the colours of the sky and absentmindedly making a wish on dandelion seeds. Moments that make me smile. Moments that bring me back to who I am and not the persona I’ve created. But my mind is crule and brings me back to a week ago.
I didn’t tell the whole story truthfully. I was trying to save face in front of my parents. I wanted them to not have to worry about their free spirited daughter. Alas I think they still do anyways. But I did trip and fall. Hard! The bruises all over my body attest to that. My left side looks like a galaxy exploded out of my hip.
Maybe that’s what the big bang really was. A unearthly being tripping and falling. Then our galaxy was the rush of blood and cells that became the bruise on her hip. Mother Nature is actually the body of an entity. I’ve heard stranger theories.
It was like I was shaken awake though. The fall, the rest of that night spent with new friends in my apartment. It all seems surreal. Then the next day it was like I was looking back in the mirror at myself for the first time in ages. There I was reaching through the looking glass towards myself, begging the persona to strike a deal with me. If we could only compromise our differences then we could be whole.
It seems so easy doesn’t it. Just forget the whirlwind your life has been for the last six months. Listen to the inner voice that used to guide you back in highschool. Back when you were the good daughter, back when grades were everything and the Improv Team were all the friends you needed. You’re better equipped now to deal with the things you thought were wrong going on around you. Stronger, smarter and more attuned to your emotions. So why let the wild child still have control?
There’s no one to fit in with anymore, there’s no love you need except the love of yourself, but it all comes back to that doesn’t it? You’re not sure which version you like better anymore. So I stood in front of the mirror and I finally made up my mind. As soon as the deal was struck it was like the world shattered around me.
Things that I had been focusing on were no longer important. The people I had been trying to impress seemed silly and dramatic. Once again I could enjoy the beauty in my every day surroundings. I had been the one trapped in the mirror!
This doesn’t mean my persona goes away completely. She has her time and place. However, I feel she will be changed by my acceptance of myself again and those that thought they knew us might be surprised at how little they do.
It’s my time to shine and share myself with the world. Because you never know the fall might have created my own galaxy to take care of and I want to be the best mother nature I can be.
~The Incidental Scribe