A few days ago I lost my best friend. It wasn’t because she passed on and although I feel like it ended with a huge betrayal, I will not offer her up to the wolves here. I will simply state that Lola is no longer a part of my life. It feels like she died though.
They say there are five stages of grief. As I sit here feeling at loss for words, I know that is what I’m feeling. I’m grieving and I just don’t know how to fix it. When a loved one passes, be it human or animal, you know their is an end to the grieving process. It is cruel, but you know logically that you can not “fix” that particular situation. So you go through the five stages and move on. In this situation, it’s possible that my B.P.D. makes this worse, there is no finality. The person keeps popping back up in my life, but does not want to fix the damage. It is like I start the stages of grieving only to be kicked in the gut back to the beginning.
From my reading though I have learned that the stages are not linear and not everyone goes through all of them. Others like myself revisit certain stages until we can truly let go. Writing has always been one of my main outlets as well as music so I’m going to combine the two to figure out exactly where I am at when it comes to dealing with this difficult emotion they call grief. Please bear with me.
1. Denial and “The Bitch Came Back” by Theory of a Deadman.
Although this song is an exaggeration of my denial, Lola and I used to call each other mean names as terms of endearment. Looking back that is really unhealthy, but she is fairly younger than me and it seems to be a trend with that age group. The first few days I kept thinking ,”she’ll come back, she’ll apologize with some flimsy excuse and we’ll work through it.” Then she did walk into my bar that night and didn’t talk to me. She ignored my existence, which drives me nuts. I’d rather have someone screaming at me then giving me the silent treatment. I can’t figure out what’s going on inside of your head if you don’t talk to me.
That aside, as the song says, “she just couldn’t stay away.” So I messaged her, reaching out to try to be that good friend who gives her another chance. Even though she broke my heart, made me feel like our four years of friendship meant nothing and that I wasn’t worth common decency. As they say in Grey’s Anatomy, “we want to be able to say we did everything that we could.” So in my denial that it was truly over I tried one more time and was told to F$#k off.
2. Depression and “Almost Lover” by Fine Frenzy
Instead of going to bargaining or anger next I went straight to depression. Lola allways sings Almost Lover at Karaoke and although it’s overly romantic for a best friend situation, I feel like I did love her on some level. I cried for a few hours the next day. Begged my fiance not to leave me next, (fear of abandonment kicking in, gotta love it.) Songs that we sang together made me teary eyed and I just wanted to hide in my house for a few days.
Working full time at two jobs really doesn’t allow for that so I pushed on through the pain. Friends were giving their support and some of them their negative opinions of her and the situation. Yet I didn’t want people to be mad at her. I honestly was wishing her well even if her life was moving on without me. As the song says,”I never want to see you unhappy. I thought you’d want the same for me.”
I was saying goodbye through bloodshot teary eyes. Grieving the loss of this friendship and reminiscing over the good past memories. Then she shows up to karaoke on Sunday and my depression quickly shifted to the next stage.
3. Anger and “I Miss the Misery” by Halestorm.
Once again she gave me the silent treatment while her boyfriend acted like he didn’t know anything had changed. I’m in the process of training a new DJ so when she had her boyfriend request the song we used to sing together, “Goodbye Earle” by The Dixie Chicks, I saw red. I left my co-host in charge as I walked outside to get some fresh air. Inside I was going through every crappy thing she had done to me through our friendship. I was enraged at the audacity she had to even show her face, let alone sing our song. Really, I just wanted to punch her in the face. And I’m not usually an agressive person so you can see how angry I was.
I calmed myself down enough to finish doing my job. With the help of my trainee DJ Vanilla Drumstick and another friend, who we will call Bonita. They reminded me that she was just trying to get to me and I shouldn’t let her win. As Lizzie Hale sings, “I don’t miss you, I miss the misery.” Even though there were times that she put me through hell, we were still friends then so even the bad memories made me feel the loss.
5. Denial and “Drinking About You” by Bebe Rexha
You would think I’d move on to acceptance by this point. Alas at the end of the night Lola came up to me and tried to give me a drink. I said no several times, untill Vanilla Drumstick stepped in and told her to leave me alone. Did she do it to be malicious, because she knows I’m not binge drinking anymore and saw me having a couple beers? Or was it her way of a peace offering?
Now I’ve skipped acceptance and have come right back to the beginning. I’m in denial again that it’s really over. When in reality most people would not allow her back in their lives. I’ve given her numerous chances, let her live with me, even defened her against a lot of people who tried to tell me a whole whack load of negative lables. Maybe we can still be friends though?
I know that the people who are close to me will read this and worry that I will let her run me through the wringer again. I don’t foresee that happening though. I’m a lot stronger emotionally then I used to be and I am focused on the future I want. I’m just greiving a loss and it takes time. “No one’s gonna love you like I do,” Bebe Rexha’s opening line sets the tone.
And although I’m two weeks into not binge drinking, I can’t help but look back on our friendship and realize that most of it involves nights we can’t remember. So yes I’m in denial, maybe Lola will stop drinking again and we can fix this… who am I kidding?
Don’t worry dear readers I won’t fall back into my crazy ways, but I may have to enjoy one glass of wine in honour of my dead friendship. Maybe then I’ll finally be able to burry it.
~The Incidental Scribe