Every day of this week I am trying to view as a new day. A new day to fix old mistakes, to find new passion, to feel happy and to combat sadness. I want to remind myself that I can not change the past, or predict the future, but I can focus on the present and everything that is effecting it.
Take my struggles with alcohol and peer pressure for example. The past week I had two days where I was so hungover I was physically ill. This came from friends saying, ” I’m buying you a drink, let’s do shots or you should try this drink next.” While these are all common place statements to some, for a girl like me with such an addictive personality they can be the nail in my coffin. I want to make you happy so I’ll accept your drink or drink suggestion. I don’t want to stop at one shot so let’s keep going, even though I don’t really want to drink. In fact I said I wasn’t drinking that night.
I can not change how I reacted in the past, but I can change how I will react this week. I need to really mentalize with myself in this situation. If my MBT therapy for BPD taught me anything, the first lesson when dealing with drunk people is they can’t mentalize with you. So you have to do it with yourself. Which means I must ask myself what I am feeling in the situation? Am I anxious and nervous that my DJing isn’t great that night, am I worried my friends won’t like me if I drink, or maybe I’m feeling self conscious and want the liquid courage to make that annoying low self-esteem go away?
Once I’ve established the feelings I’m dealing with I need to ask myself what is real? If my DJ selections aren’t on par at that moment I can change them to suit the crowd. My friends may get hurt that I’m turning down their drink, but if they are real friends they will get over it and come to respect my choices. Drinking will not solve my self esteem issues in fact by the end of the night it only makes it worse and the next day my anixety will be through the roof.
Lastly I need to recognize my own mind. Do I want to drink? If yes do I want 3 drinks through out the evening or do I want to get smashed? Most of the time my answer is I actually only want to share a couple drinks with friends, if I really honestly want to drink at all. Then why do I go against that every week? Because in the moment I’m not mentalizing. Which means I am jeopardizing my mental and physical health.
So each day is a new day and I know there will be slip ups on the way. Yet, I feel if I refocus on my M.B.T therapy and what it has taught me then I will come out of this stronger. I share my story with you because a lot of people in the music industry deal with substance abuse and it is considered normal. Alas this should not be. I am willing to talk about my mental health and alcohol issues as a way to help others know they are not alone.
These things are not easy to talk about. It is really hard for me to write this without worrying about being judged or ridiculed. The first step in any type of mental recovery is admitting you have a problem. So this is what I am doing. I am promising myself that I am working on being a better me. We just have to work hard one day at a time.
~ The Incidental Scribe
PS. As a side note my poor herbs are not doing so well. I stopped singing to them every day and I think I may have killed the dill. I warned you I didn’t have a green thumb.