Why is it that two small words can cut me like a knife. Trust and hope, these two words open wounds constantly. You would think such positive words would be good to hear, but for me it’s torture.
Hope, I am usually a hopeful person. I try to hope things will get better, hope that I will make it through whatever obstacles I face and hope my friends and family are happy and safe. Yet, each time I hope for something specific it seems to me that life changes the course I was heading and snatches my hope away. I’m not all doom and gloom, I know I will get the hope back again. This morbid song and dance though, of being hopeful then being in despair and back again, is just hard sometimes to cope with. Then you have people who give false hope. They are malicious about it too, building you up so they can tear you right back down. So hope is hard…yet I know I have to keep hoping.
Then if we look at trust we see another word that slices me open for all to see. My trust has been broken many times in my life, by people who I know now were not truly my friends. Yet I’m still expected to trust, to believe in the good of people. Can you tell me how? How can I say I trust you not to be like those people even though you’re following the same patterns they once did? Is it fair to keep asking me to trust? Also, does there come a time where you can say I’ve been hurt too many times, it’s only fair you never make me trust again?
This is why I think you scare me. You’ve given me hope and I’ve started to trust you. I sit here waiting, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Crushing my hopes, breaking my trust and proving me right that these two words are just hurtful. I know it’s not fair, it’s a lot of power I’ve given to you. Yet, I had to. If I didn’t have hope for our friendship. .. if I didn’t trust you, well would you want to be around someone like that? No I didn’t think so. So please be gentle and if you have to cut off my hope and trust, please do it gently. I can’t take another savage beating in the name of these uplifting words.
It’s like the ticking of a time bomb waiting to go off.
~ The Incidental Scribe