Sometimes I need to write for myself. There is a lot that goes on in my mind and every now and then it’s good to write it all out. It helps sort out some of the mess. So what is plaguing me today is my inability to be alone. I thought I was getting better at it, but alas this weekend when I was supposed to be by myself for three days I managed one and a half before freaking out.
I wasn’t having negative thoughts about myself, I wasn’t upset by anything that happened, to be perfectly honest I think I just really hate being alone. I distracted myself the first day by doing all the things I wanted to do. I watched some Netflix, I finished my latch hook project, read and got my school work done. My boyfriend and I were texting so it’s not like I had no contact, but he was visiting his parent’s and using his mom’s cell so he had to give it back to her from time to time. This annoyed me as I do love to talk in all forms. Yes there was many many different factors leading up to my mini break down.
Day 2 of being by myself I had plans through out the day. I went to a pampered chef party with some girl friends, had dinner with my grandmother and visited with her watching tv. Then I was off to my bar to do dance breaks for the band. I was in my element, the night and the music were amazing and I had a really great time. Yet I wasn’t able to tell my boyfriend goodnight and the prospect of having nothing to do for another full day except sleep, study and clean was really not helping my mood. I made sure to get myself in cab and head home. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I am an emotional creature especially when the feeling is a strong one.
As soon as I locked the apartment door behind me I broke down into tears. I’m not talking about a few small tears, I was full blown sobbing. I didn’t want to be alone anymore, the logic that I was only going to be by myself for one more day wasn’t enough to stem the tides. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I had just kept this emotional outburst to myself, but no I had to start playing Taylor Swift songs on Youtube and sharing them on Facebook with overly mushy statuses like come home, I need you so much and I love you. Thinking about it today I feel silly for losing so much control over my emotions again, but I think next time I shall work on containing it to myself.
His parents dropped him off a day early. He came into the bedroom while I was still sleeping and scared the crap out of me. I was happy he was back though. See although nothing different happened today, him being around made everything instantly better. I still watched Netflix, cleaned and of course I’m working on my blog. He was exhausted from not sleeping well so he’s been napping for the last three hours. Yet I am content. Having another presence in the apartment calms that irrational fear of dying alone. Borderline Personality Disorder has a host of things I am slowly learning to cope with and the fear of abandonment is a hard one for me right now it would seem.
So why am I afraid of being left and dying alone? My parents are still together and there for me. Sure I have lost a lot of my old friends, but that sadly is a normal progression of life. I can’t blame my ex husband moving to England and me staying behind as we both made these choices for our lives and my fear of abandonment was in full swing before that incident. I sit here and write this I feel maybe it doesn’t matter what caused it. All that matters is it’s time for me to face this fear and finally put it to rest.
I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months now and he has proven time and time again that he’s not going anywhere. I have great family who will always support me, a good group of friends and sure time and distance may time may take some of them from me I can and will get through it. I will take it one weekend alone at a time. This time I made it one and half days, who knows maybe next time I’ll make it through two and half or all three. I just need to remember that time alone is good and doesn’t mean that they aren’t coming back or I’ll be alone forever. I am an awesome person and there is no reason that I won’t have love and friends my entire life.
This is why I write. To reaffirm to myself that I know what I need to do to get better and stay healthy. To challenge myself to do what I need to do to improve my life and relationships. Also to let others know they are not alone. If you feel silly for having an emotional outburst or feel overwhelmed when you are alone, remember that there are others who understand. Others going through the same thing and if we remember that then we can’t truly be alone. I write for myself, but I also write for every one of you. Take care of yourselves.
~The Incidental Scribe